Sex-Starved Relationships: How to Rekindle the Flame — The Sugar Girl Reality

Many Psychologists and life coaches have defined a sex-starved marriage as one where couples have sex at most 10 times in a year.

These issues are not strange; it may be happening to you or someone you know. Couples have come out to share their stories countless times and it’s usually documented in prints or blogs.

According to David Essel , a life coach and author, people experience higher levels of wellbeing and marital satisfaction when they have an active and satisfying sex life. However,can occur when a partner’s sexual intimacy is not met, leading to the death of the relationship.

Sex-starvation is not any different in Nigeria, it’s just that many couples don’t like to talk about it. For those who may decide to talk about in public, just know that it has hit them hard.

Sex life could be very interesting for many couples in the early weeks and months of their marriage but when the children start coming, their attention is usually diverted to catering for them to the detriment of their intimacy.

Besides looking after children, there are other factors that could lead to lack of sexual intimacy. These include a lack of interest (which soon becomes a punishment to the other partner), medical conditions like high blood pressure, erectile dysfunction, diabetes, post-menopausal syndrome, drug side effects.

Another factor which Sugar Girl Reality thinks may cause sexual drift among couples is lack of money. However, many people may disagree and say money isn’t everything but trust me, love is sweeter when money is involved. Your partner may not tell you outrightly, but deep down, they know this.

Last month, I read a column on a blog where a contributor said though he enjoys sex with his wife, it’s more pleasurable when he buys her luxury gifts or offers her cash gift. There were arguments that such act insinuates that he pays his wife for sex. But think about this: What if he found what works for him since they are both happy?

Every relationship doesn’t take the same pathway. What works for A may not work for B. Whichever way it is, if you feel there’s a strain in your sexual life and you want to rekindle and spice up things, Sugar Girl Reality will be sharing some tips that may help. Want to find out? Please, keep reading.

1. Hit the nail on the head, talk about it

If intimacy decreases, how not to solve it is by engaging in a blame game and beating about the bush. You should speak to your partner if you feel something’s wrong.

Like I said above, medical changes may trigger decreased libido, so it’s better to let your partner know what is really going on rather than interpret these changes as lack of interest. Have that conversation if your partner wants more sex and is already complaining.

Having this conversation may be difficult for some people, but you can go about it by talking about the good times in the relationship, finding out how your partner has been faring, talking about your dream sex life. Please, don’t do the talking alone. Give your partner an opportunity to ask the same questions.

Some valid questions that have been asked by Essel include, “When was the last time you asked your partner what they desire regarding your intimate experiences?”

“When was the last time you sent them a text, or an email especially, which are much more effective than talking in person, and asked them what they would like to do differently in regards to sex?”

If this fails, try again to see if they’d open up to you.

2. Disclose your sexual fantasies to each other

Some of us may be very religious but check your cupboards and tell yourself the truth. To some, it might be having sex in the living room, couch, car and so on. Know what you want and discuss it with your partner.

There are other wild sexual fantasies like BDSM, choking and other strange names but please, be safe while at it. You don’t wanna end up in jail, do you?

While it’s definitely not bad to have sexual fantasies, I feel there are some which should be eradicated from the mind completely because it’s dangerous, not just to you, but to someone close.

I came across a column where a lady said as part of her sexual fantasy, she would want her future husband to constantly rape her daughter in her presence while records it because she wished her dad did the same to her. I think this is extreme and if you fall into this category, seek help fast.

Fantasies are a normal part of active sex life. Discuss with your partner and get things rolling!

3. Try watching X-rated movies together

While it may feel awkward watching X-rated movies, otherwise called porn, with your partner, sexologists say it comes with a benefit.

According to family doctor, Dr Chinks, “Putting inhibitions aside and joining with your partner in this steamy experience can be a wonderful way to kickstart a marriage that needs a sex tune-up. Allowing yourself to become aroused alongside your partner can make a couple feel as though they share a special secret that is all their own.”

I guess you’re thinking about this already.

4. Maintain good hygiene and health

Whether you like it or not, hygiene plays an important role in sexual activity. Heard about husbands complaining about their wives onion-like smells and looking unkempt, or wives lamenting that their husbands have body or mouth odour? Bad hygiene can be a great turn off. Fix that problem!

Similarly, good mental, physical and emotional health remains a backbone of sexual wellbeing. If quitting smoking or alcohol can save your intimacy with your partner, why don’t you compromise?

Eating healthy and regularly exercising can help you to lose weight and wade some diseases like high blood pressure and diabetes.

Do visit a fertility doctor for cases of erectile dysfunction.

5. Involve a sex therapist or counsellor if the case is beyond you

It’s wise to involve a sex therapist or counsellor if the situation is overwhelming and grows beyond you and your partner. Sexual disconnection can swing in if there are cases of physical, emotional and sexual abuse, insecurities, or infidelity.

These cases, if not properly handled, can lead to resentment, depression or even divorce. Speak to a therapist today!

Sugar Girl Reality has done its part by sharing tips on how you can rekindle the fire in a relationship that is sex-starved and we hope it helps. Finally, if you think your children might be an obstruction to rekindling the flame, try to make it out time when they’ve gone to school or over the weekend or mid-term break when they will probably go visit their cousins or grandparents.

If you’ve been in a similar boat and there were other strategies you used to paddle your boat and set it in motion, please, share with us.

Send us an Email sugargirlreality@gmail.com

Originally published at https://www.sugargirlreality.com on February 17, 2021.